I should have known the minute I began reading the PSI Short Form Test, one of the questionnaires I was asked to complete prior to our appointment at UCSB's Koegel Autism Center, that today was going to be another gut wrench. "Question 1: I often have the feeling that I cannot handle things very well. Strongly Agree? Agree? Not Sure? Disagree? Strongly Disagree?"
It is a beautiful facility and similar to our experience with Tri County, the testing room was a pretty sterile office space room with toys scattered about the floor. The tests were performed over 2 hours and ranged from reviewing the aforementioned paperwork to discussing concerns that we had about Amie's behavior and language to videotaped "play" segments.
We arrived happy and up-beat and I explained that while we feel pretty confident at this point that she is not on the spectrum, there's always that lingering doubt given some of the things we have seen. The sooner we can address them- no matter what they are attributed to, the better. Our hope is to gain a better understanding of what this is and obtain as much help and guidance from professionals as possible.
At first, Amelie did great at imaginative play. She was sharing and showing us the toys and chattering her little role playing games.
Then came a 10 minute "test" where I played with her while they noted and video taped our interaction.
After more time and questioning, Amie was starting to get tired, and her attention span was waning. The doctor then requested her 10 minute play time with Amie wherein she only half-heartedly engaged in play, and became bossy, then moody and withdrawn.
When the doctor would entice her from the chair she had clumsily climbed under, she would come out quickly, bark, grab the toy the doctor was wielding and retreat back to her isolated corner and play. "Question 20: My child is not able to do as much as I expected. Strongly Agree? Agree? Not Sure? Disagree? Strongly Disagree?"
In the end, the doctor stated that she is going to observe Amelie at her preschool and get back to us within the next few weeks. She did an informal evaluation at the end summarizing what she observed and categorizing her behaviors as either encouraging, normal or troublesome. She mentioned that our comments on the paperwork were probably correct- that if she is considered to be on the spectrum, it would be very high functioning. However, she could also have "something called Aspergers". As if to say that would be a good thing - a "lesser than" thing. That's when my stomach turned.
Nothing ever seems to prepare me for these tests and no matter how well she does, I always leave feeling this great emptiness. Drained. "Question 07: There are quite a few things that bother me about my life. Strongly Agree? Agree? Not Sure? Disagree? Strongly Disagree?"
There's no way to describe it, but I think my friend Lucinda said it best. It feels like you are desperate to have something tangible to grab onto, but Aspergers is something you'd rather not grab onto. Of course, I know in my heart she will be fine no matter what. I guess the only way to describe it is like the feeling of grief, which they tell you that the only way to get through it is to...well... get through it. That's what I'm doing. Waiting as patiently as possible for the final answer , but for now the answer is "Not Sure".
